But I probably won't kill myself.

You have come to the conclusion there is something missing from your life.

You fill that space with drugs because at least they can cheer you up.

They don't cheer you up and only your eventual suicide will do that.

But you won't kill yourself, you even say 'But I probably won't kill myself' when referring to how doomed you are.

You get a text saying hopefully an awkward situation won't make things awkward.

You lie, say that it will not.

It will.

The garbage man came today and you wanted him to throw you in the trash compactor.

He refused, said 'you need help bro, you crazy'.

'I don't need help, I need to be one with the trash'.

He does not believe you and moves on.

You will try again next week.